Yesterday was the start of National Marriage Week in the UK; no, we didn’t know either, but the idea is to promote and to support marriages and to celebrate the institution of marriage from a faith perspective.
From our perspective as divorce lawyers one might think that the breakup of marriage is our aim.
After all, isn’t that where lawyers make all the money? Divorce lawyers have a very cynical image and some deservedly so. However, most divorce lawyers choose to practice family law because they want to help people in crisis. There are many lawyers who would run a mile from the first sign of a client crying; it would horrify them. Those lawyers choose to practice shipping law, contract drafting, terms and conditions, even conveyancing, where there are few raw emotions to deal with.
A committed family lawyer wants what is best for the family as a whole, not just for the client, and for some clients that might be staying in the marriage. Of course, if the husband or wife is abusive, deceitful, cruel, untrustworthy or has no love for the client the best solution is generally to finish the marriage, but there are many marriages that could have been saved with intervention. The cost of a divorce in terms of money, heartache, and the impact on the children is huge, and should not be underestimated.
The client who initiates divorce in most cases has thought about the decision for many months, even years before, and is likely to have gone through a similar mental process as that experienced in bereavement. The process often starts with a period of shock and denial at the realisation that the marriage is not working. At this stage if the couple go to marriage guidance and commit to working at the relationship it is sometimes salvageable.
Marriage guidance is not easy, it involves hearing uncomfortable truths, but it provides a safe forum for frustrations and grievances to be aired between spouses. If a couple really want to save the marriage this is the time to do it, and the process can strengthen and support a marriage to move on and develop into a solid and long lasting relationship.
Often clients come in to give instructions for a divorce and when they talk about what is wrong, it is frequently just that the couple has grown apart, developed separate lives, have nothing in common any longer. It is no one’s fault, and everyone’s fault in a way. If the couple had addressed what was going on years back, they could have put in the time and effort needed to support the marriage. Lack of time, demands of children, lack of money, busy lives, resentment at lack of support: all these factors combine to divide a couple who started off loving each other. All of these frustrations could have been discussed if the couple had invested time in the marriage.
It is not only marriage counselling that can help. Setting aside time for each other, without the children is vital. Dealing with resentments without letting them fester is also vital. One couple we heard of has a set time every week where they discuss things that are bothering them about the other and they don’t discuss this at any other time , avoiding nagging and complaining in front of the children. Of course that requires quite some self-control but by the time of the session some of the heat has gone out of the issue (it is to be hoped!)
Communication is the key. Spouses are not mind readers and if they are not told what is wrong they can’t be blamed for not dealing with problems.
So during this week take some time to carry out a marriage MOT; it could save a lot of heartache and money in the long term.
7.2.2013